Life is all about balance.

Freshman year is almost 3/4 done, and it has flown by so far. I am happy. I have nearly everything I want. My best friends from home have to some extent stuck around, but I didn't expect more than that because that's how life goes. It's still nice to talk to people you're familiar with and who know your whole deal. Sometimes people here don't know where I'm coming from when I say things. Although, that's been decreasing as I get closer to them, and can reveal a little bit more about my crazy-ass self. It's the best feeling to walk around campus and see a million people you know. It makes you feel like you belong. Not that I've ever felt like an outcast but still, Emory's a pretty freaking happy place.

I've been thinking about things lately. And what's odd to me is that I don't really get angry anymore. Maybe disappointed, sad. I've spent too much time harping over things and holding grudges. It's not important. There are too many things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to meet. I need to let go of a lot. As I get more adjusted to life in the ATL, that's becoming much easier.
Who knows if I'll keep up with this new mentality of not living in the past, but I'm trying!

OH AND OMG 1!1!1!1!1!1! I AM GOING TO AFRICA. ! ! ! ! !

People expect too fucking much from me.

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I want to be home where I can drive anywhere I want, anytime I want. I want to curl up in my bed and cuddle with my cat. I want to make my mom cook for me. I want to spend days on end at my second family's house. I want Christmas with the Biello's. I want to take Maxy for walks. I want to explore my new town that I love. I want to make a latte. I want to drive into the city with my mom and waste hundreds of dollars. I want to hang out with all my Emory New Yorker friends who I've never seen outside of campus! I want to do lunch with Eric, Posh with Maria/Shahar, city with Kara, gay clubs with Joe etc. I want to drink with Stephanie. I want to flirt with Bobby. I want to see my favorite Long Islanders and catch up on the time that's passed. I want familiarity even though where I am has become more familiar than I expected it to be.

I need these last two finals to fly by. But first, I must study.

I love you Emory, but I love NY more!

I'll be home Wednesday.

EDIT: DID I MENTION it was 75 degrees out, sunny and without a cloud in the sky today in Hotlanta?! And it is supposed to stay that way for the next few days? DAMN STRAIGHT.

As I sit on an office chair in my roommate's guest room at 1 am on a Tuesday morning with the window open and this pleasant breeze coming through the screen, I can't help but feel completely at peace with myself. I have never had this. Utter wholeness. The only times I am sad are when I'm not completely immersed in my chaotic, wonderful life here, and those times have been far and few in between. My roommate, Katie, has become one of my closest friends. She's like, this breath of fresh air - the best way to start your new life in college is to meet someone who is basically your other half. And today as we were driving in her yellow Mustang convertible with the top down and laughing about all the crazy people we're friends with in school, we decided that we are way too lucky. We have an amazing school, academics, friends and especially each other. Cheesy, yes. We laughed at the absolute cliche-ness of it all and mock threw up for dramatic affect. It's more than that though. It's the marble buildings, it's the 75 degree weather in October, it's the culture of Atlanta, it's the feeling that you couldn't be spending your time any better than right here.

I don't know. What I do know is that I go back to school tomorrow, leaving Katie's hometown and midterm hell will ensue. Maybe this cheery mood of mine will subside then. Probably not though. I effing love my classes.

So long!

PS Rest in Peace 2006 Yankees.
PPS I miss my NY best friends. And NY. I need REAL PIZZA.

Funny how this thing used to be such a focal point in my life.

Funny how I'd nearly forgotten I had it until a few days ago.

In any case, I felt like maybe I'd try to keep up on this thing a tad bit more often.

College is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. All I wanted since I can remember was to escape the crap I'd been subjected to at home. All I wanted was that extra bit of independence that would give me the freedom of completely separating myself from everything in NY. Don't get me wrong. I miss NY so much sometimes that it hurts, and I am still having a love affair with the city, and I still miss my wonderful friends. But here I'm never alone in the way I was at home. I'm never so angry that I suck it in only to have it affect me physically a few months later. And there's so much more but let's keep this positive.

I am having the time of my life. Please let it continue.

I love how,
I wake up for work at 7:20 to get there by 8,
Work bar ALL day <3<3,
Get sent to the bank for a glorious 20 minutes to make a deposit and get change,
Work with Paulz for an equally glorious 4-ish hours,
Don't get home until 5,
And am so very excited to get ready to go to Paula's house tonight to watch a movie with her and Matt!

Oh, lifeeee <3

I want to forget that I'm in a horrible mood, (the worst one I've been in for months) watch the Yankees win and go to sleep and wake up tomorrow with a clear head.

That's all I want tonight.

Kissing is fatal. Really.

Why did I let myself get caught up in the illusion that maybe things would be different? Things are never different and I don't expect anything yet I expect everything and I know I don't show anything but at times like this I feel like I show everything. I didn't even know if it was a good thing I just knew it was new and exciting and I believed for a second that it might work out and maybe it will, who am I kidding it won't, but I don't want to be someone who never believes in anything but I'm scared to and I HATE being vague in this thing but fuck it.

In other news, it's been tough to grab hold of senior year, slow it down for even a second, which is something I NEVER in a million years thought I'd think/say/feel. A part of my life that was missing all year is showing signs of revival/return which is effing fabulous. I can't seem to find my care about any of the remaining IB tests, but I can easily find my mad regarding D'Orazi and her blatant hatred and general angst aimed at me. I get teary-eyed just thinking about my wind ensemble concert next week, which is really getting to me. I have been on that thing since freshman year. I am NOT ready to be done with wind ensemble. I better get started on writing my letter to Ms. H for the end of the year and I should most definitely start working with Rach to write our speech for the concert. I hope I don't start crying in the middle of it. Fuck.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this now but Crash was a gorgeous movie. Thanks to Cait I made a respectable effort to see it as soon as she told me it was one of the only movies that made her cry. It was so. good. If you haven't seen it get your ass off the computer chair and go rent it.

I reeeeeeally need the city. Like now. I need Perry Street or Wall Street or Park Ave or Hell's Kitchen or a view of the East River. I feel like they're the only things that can stop this weird "I don't know what's going on with myself but I totally do" phase.

School's a no-go tomorrow. Four more days of testing spread unfairly till the 23rd. Not that I plan on studying for any of said tests, but still.

*phone conversation*
Caitlin - "WHAT?"
Me - "CAITLIN. I JUST WATCHED THE EPISODE WHEN BRIAN AND JUSTIN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND BRIAN ENDS UP FUCKING THE CUCUMBER GUY AND THEN JUSTIN IS MAD AT HIM AND YOU CAN SEE AT THE DINER THE NEXT MORNING BRIAN MOVES HIS HEAD TO THE LEFT AS IF TO SAY 'FUCK' BECAUSE JUSTIN GIVES HIM THE COLD SHOULDER BUT HE DOESN'T SAY FUCK HE JUST CONVULSES HIS HEAD. HE LOVES HIM! HE REALLY LOVES HIM!"
Caitlin - "You have reached a new low. Calling me to tell me, not about something that was said, or an action, just a head movement."
Me - "BUT HE LOVES HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm disappointed you aren't more excited about this new revelation."
Caitlin - "Actually, if I'd seen that I would have called you too."

'God you we are so pathetic.' 

Anyway, this week went by slow and fast at the same time. AP Calc is in ... 5 days? WHAT?

For once, I finally feel a little more at ease with myself. A little more sure of what I'm doing. Not just knowing I'm sending myself off to college eventually and am studying something. I'm a little scared but what's fucking worth it if you aren't? 

I don't know what I'm saying. Come see me at senior show tonight...7:30. It'll be good times.

<333

PS My friends are pretty rad.

Courtesy of Emory's "I survived IB" facebook group description:

You think "getting high" is a reference to grades. -You think Saved By The Bell was a documentary. -The vampire rapist thought you were crazy. -Your idea of watching TV is the morning announcements. -You misread the Psychology exam and write an essay on "social sex". -You're one of the few people who realizes that Catcher in the Rye isn't about baseball. -You have taken in so much knowledge that you forget what the doorbell means. -You think MTV is a formula for mass, temperature and volume. -You're one of the few to know that the "perverted American Dream" isn't a porno. -Watching Beavis and Butthead requires WAY too much brain power. -You clean up your room and find a bed.(You have time to clean your room?!?!?) -You wonder about things like what would happen if your car traveled at the speed of light and your turned your lights on. -You have a bumper sticker that says "Proud to be a test tube baby." -"Burnout" isn't a strong enough word to describe you. -The word "ponder" sends you into spasms. -William Carlos Williams' poetry actually makes sense. -You gave up your search for a "nice university with a good curriculum" during 11th grade. You've now redefined your search to "a nice bell tower with a good mount for a sniper rifle". -You stop going to volunteer work, but you unconsciously think you're still going. -Everything you know about sex, you learned from the English reading list. -You worry about hyphens. -The words: "Oh my God! There's a triad in this poem!" -You enjoy finding out the hard way why normal distribution should work. -It's the little things that confuse you. -You have the chemical formula for crack memorized. -You think that the game LIFE will really affect yours. -You still think Beavis and Butthead is a true-to-life TV show about "normal high school". -You find all the "glitches" in movies. -You use your ToK background to analyze Winnie the Pooh's Book of Quotations. -When asked what significance Hitler had to Racial Social Darwinism, you say "Well, he didn't like Jews." -You look foward to hell week because you think hell would be an improvement on your current situation. -Free time? What's that? -You've mastered the art of procrastination so well that your research paper finishes printing just seconds before you have to leave for school. -You get to college and realize the classes you are taking seem really familiar. -Your college professors' grading systems seem a little too lenient. -You dread the word rubric. -Yourbrainissooverloadedthatyouforgetthesimplestthings. -You managed to write 4,000 words on the subject "Hitler wasn't a nice guy. Was he?" -You've managed to get through an entire year of History of the Americas without reading one page of your test book. -Five words: "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?!?!?" -You can spell "Baccalaureate". -"I.B., therefore I B.S." -"IB has an honor code?!?!" -"Friends" and "fellow IBers" are interchangeable. -You go to bed at 3AM and think, "Oh, it's an early night!" -Your favorite saying is "If I get a hundred on every test for the rest of the year..." -Social life? What's that? Can I download one of those of the Internet? -You've fooled yourself into believing that colleges actually care whether you're in IB or not. -You try to wake up fast enough to catch yourself sleeping - and succeed. -You talk to yourself in the 3rd person. -You write sentences on multiple choice tests. How else can you justify your answers? -It's okay to fail, so long as you are not alone. -You frequently catch yourself saying "What?? We had homework??" -You don't drink, but you find it a convenient way to explain how you dressed yourself in the morning. -Your idea of impure thoughts is whether or not to copy math homework. -You've convinced your parents F is for "Fantastic". -You can count your last quiz grades on one hand. -You have an internet connection on your calculator. -You wonder if there's Cliff's Notes on the Calculus book. -You don't really cheat-you just tell people the answers. -Cheating became too difficult, so you took up telepathy. -You have a tab running at Books-A-Million. -You've consulted tarot cards for hints on a History test. -You have the library on speed dial. -You've framed the Honor Code. -You've developed an imprint of your book bag in your back. -Your best hope for most classes is divine intervention or a strategically placed lightning bolt. -Your backpack weigh more than you do. -Brewing coffee takes too long, so you just eat the beans. -You slip Prozac into your Mountain Dew. -Your last mate was a "checkmate" -You plead insanity on a research paper. -You talk in your sleep - in your language B. -After getting a "B" on your Chem. test, you decide to take out your anger on some TWA plane. -You have a Cliff's Notes Preferred Customer Credit Card. -Four Words: "Wanna play some chess/ trivial pursuit?" -You do your essays on the plane ride to school. -You can lead your way through a frog's intestines with your eyes closed. -You forgot about that pesky Extended Essay thing until the night before it was due. -You have to stop twice and get gas to make it all the way to school. -You're afraid of sunlight since you haven't seen it in 3 years. -You have an element named after you. -You haven't seen light in so long you glow in the dark. -You're so frustrated with IB that you sent package bombs to random houses and framed some Ted guy. -You've been out various times looking for the Abridged Cliff's Notes. -You consider giving up going to the bathroom permanently to give you more time to study. -You envy the unabomber's social life. -The only words you ever say in Spanish class are "Nos & eacute" -You carry a protractor in your back pocket. -Your pick-up lines include compliments on the quality of their epidermis and the wonderful shape of their occipital plate. -Timothy McVeigh is scared of you. -"Burnout" isn't a strong enough word to describe you. -Your idea of great art is simultaneously graphing the sine, cosine and tangent graphs, then staring at your TI saying "Look!!! Waves!!!" -You get Advil at cost. -You hold "parties" to study. -You look forward to your parties. (What's wrong with that?) -Your parties are the hippest thing going today. -Your Extended Essay consists of 20 pages of "This is my Extended Essay". -You have functioning electrical appliances in your locker. -Your backpack is only comfortable when it weighs 30 pounds. -You are convinced your "Baccalaureate Internationale proffeur de francais" thinks you're sexy. -Your "Baccalaureate Internationale proffeur de francais" DOES think you're sexy. -You are such an IB loser that you will actually try to correct the grammar in my last two contributions. -TOK = "What is Human Being??" -You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to "get in some extra cramming time" to "gain that upper edge" on the rest of the class. -When your idea of a good conversation includes at least one of the school librarians. -The bags under your eyes are heavier than the ones carrying your textbooks. -You make a date to do homework together and you actually do. -Your home becomes a "home away from home". -You derive formulas for fun. -You just have one long continuous headache. -You think the meaning of life is: G = -RTlnK. -Pressed for time, you conclude a history essay with, "And they lived happily ever after. Amen". -You get into a slugging match over priority for the library photocopier. -The offer of bonus marks for combed hair results in a dramatic improvement in appearance. -You copy old TOK essays so you can get an "A" in the Ethics unit. -You plagiarize from Cliff's Notes for the "What is Truth?" TOK paper. -You find yourself thinking, "Without stress my life would be empty". -You fight with your fellow IBers about who has the most stress. -You enjoy finding out the hard way why normal distribution should work. -Study groups are actually one HUGE gossip fest! (Is there really time for this???) -You find your teacher saying, "CALM down the test is only worth 95% of your grade". -It's the little things that confuse you. -You find yourself worrying about the 98% you have in math. -You find that you overreact when you get 2 points marked off on your homework. -The peers know more about you than you do. -"Anybody wanna play some cards?" -You wonder if you can relate Apollo 13 to TOK. -You find that you spend more time sleeping in class than at home. -You find that you have planned murder plots for each and every person in all your classes. -You really do wear those IB T-shirts. -You don't carry lunch money -- you carry Vivarin-and-Mountain-Dew money! -You've memorized the cracks in the stucco on the wall behind your computer monitor. -You can type 70 words per minute -- on a TI-82/83/85/86. 120wpm on a TI-92 -You devise a 'pager code' and page your classmates all night with obscene messages. -You resort to communicating using a series of clicks because languages take too long. -You hang out at Kinko's at 4 a.m. -You get a job at Kinko's not for the paycheck, but because you're there 8 hours a day anyway! -You are nice and respect other people for who they are. -You watched all the Revenge of the Nerds movies enough to act out all the roles. -You use the internet for research not smut. -You have an autographed picture of Bill Gates in your bedroom. -You show school spirit at pep assemblies. -When on vacation you visit other schools. -You have races with your friends to see who can say the entire periodic table the quickest. -Your favorite TV program is Wild Discoveries on the Discovery Channel. -You have you TI-82/83/85/86 hooked up to your friends so that you can "chat" during class. -You use your "chat" program to tell each other the answers during a test, and your teacher congratulates you on "innovative thinking!" -Tests are no longer singular efforts! -You talk on the phone with your friends for hours and hours just about school. -You spend lunchtime sitting and talking about computers and how cool you THINK your life is! -The only reason Texas Instruments hired you was because your bill was so big! -You brag about how large your computer is! -You're shunned if you don't have a computer with at least 1.6 gigs! -You try to impress your teachers by giving them pocket protectors. -You think that the "game of LIFE" will really affect yours! -Your favorite card game is "brain busters". -You try to see how many "brain busters" packages you can memorize, just in case any of that useless information just happens to appear on a pop quiz! -You memorize thousands of useless facts and try to impress your neighbors, friends, and family! -The librarians know you so you don't even have to go to the front desk to check the book out. -You've read most of the books in your library, and have a written report on over ¾ of them! -You debate whether or not you can send a fax collect. -Your list of excuses for not doing your homework is the length of Anna Karenina. -You exceed the 4200 word limit on the extended essay. -The simplest words you know are at least 10 letters long. -The "Macarena" appeals to you, not because of the neat-o dance, but because you can actually understand what those two Spanish guys are saying! (they are singing about last weeks slut and how they want more) -You ask what your summer reading assignment will be in December. -You've got your summer assignment done before Christmas (From LAST summer). -You come into school at 6:30 a.m. to do Biology and don't complain. -It takes more than one trip to carry the books you need between your car and your locker. -You envied the lack of pressure on OJ's lawyers. If they lost, they'd ONLY be labeled mediocre lawyers. -You have mastered the art of procrastination so well, your research paper finishes printing just seconds before you have to leave for school. -Every year you nominate yourself for Homecoming Royalty and wonder why you never win. -You have made an IB cheer. -Nights before major projects are due, you hold parties at Kinko's. -People actually come to your IB Kinko's parties. -You've perfected procrastination down to an art form or a science... and you can debate between those two points endlessly. -Oral commentaries become cakewalks. -Your idea of having fun is cuddling up with your favorite textbook. -When you are home sick you can't help but wonder what work you're missing and what your homework is. (Forget staying home- it kills exam exemptions) -When you're watching TV, you feel guilty because not all of your homework is done. -Your contacts are so thick that you have trouble closing your eyes. -You consider your computer your best friend. -You burst into tears when your pencil breaks. -You actually BUY caffeinated water. -Your Extended Essay advisor sees you more than your parents do. -Watching Beavis and Butthead requires WAY too much brainpower. -You measure your daily caffeine consumption in gallons. -You can count the number of hours you sleep each week on one hand. -You've cleverly taught yourself how to take quick naps while walking between classes. -You frequently get lost while walking between classes. -You show up 4 hours late to an IB test and still manage to get a "5". -You have to take a hit of acid to understand what the heck you were talking about in English. -You have nightmares about being attacked by the "Chain Rule" like your teacher told you would. -You think "Monty Python's the Meaning of Life" would be a good subject for a TOK paper. -You've gotten electronic copies of textbooks in TI-82 format. -The TI-82 has made you stupid. -During a chemistry test, instead of doing the work you write a random answer program in your TI-82 and get the highest score in the class. -You voluntarily spend time with a teacher outside of school. -Your only contacts with the outside world are school and e-mail. -You actually get used to waking up at 5:00 a.m. -You are still wondering why there was a 66 1/2. reason rather than conunting thes in whole numbers. -You were able to correct that error without looking back because you remembered that it was 77 1/2, not 66 1/2 that was added in the middle. -you see 0110 1001 0110 1001 and get horny. -It rains and you place the umbrella over your bookbag instead of yourself. -The "due" date becomes the "do" date. -TOK essays are now the easiest of tonight's homework. -You make graphs of your grades to chart your progress (or lack thereof). -You'd go into severe spasms if you ever lost your day-runner. -Your unweighted GPA is a 1.2, yet your weighted GPA is a 5.7. -Teachers have actually said the following words to you : "Do your Extended Essay draft, TOK essay, lab-books, read those five books for Polish, write the Philosophy GCW, do the remaining thousand hours of CAS... and have a nice summer holiday!" -You manage to complete a semesters worth of homework the day before the term ends. -Desperate to fill up your CAS hours, you claim watching a black and white movie as "creativity" and walking your dog as "activity", and your teacher approves it. -You have a special "test writing sweater" that you wore to all the IB exams. -You can count your last quiz grade on one hand. -You wonder if there's Cliff's Notes on the Calculus book. -You've framed the Honor Code. -Your thesis for the Extended Essay is whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay. -You have a Cliff's Notes Preferred Customer Credit Card. -It's essential to learn to live with occasional failures. -"What is the Bronsted Lowry Theory again?" -Can we say EXTRA CREDIT?? -You are 18 but can't drive. -You have 15 library cards each under a different alias. -Tests are no longer singular efforts! -You carry around vocabulary flash cards to whip out in your free time. -You can list all 5 definitions on vocabulary tests. -You've replaced your Flintstones vitamins with speed. -Your best friend is Jack Daniels. -You actually believe "mental health days" are excused absences. -Brewing coffee takes too long, so you just eat the beans. -You slip prozac into your Mountain Dew. -You get Advil at cost. -You get a full upper body workout carrying your backpack. -Breakfast?! What's that? -You always seem to have one continuous headache. -You haven't seen light in so long you glow in the dark. -You can measure your daily caffeine consumption in gallons. -You know the word "bourgeoisie" - you think you speak French. -You find yourself using words like "supercillious" in everyday speech. -You correct your non-IB friends when they use incorrect grammar. -You talk in your sleep -- in Spanish. -The only words you ever say in Spanish class are "No sé." -The only French you know is "J'aime manger le poission." -The only time you ever get phone calls is before a major chemistry test. -You know you have parents beacause you have seen their picture. -Your not certain if you want to get layed, or if you would prefer to get laid. -When you go to the library, you see a least three or four of your classmates. -To celebrate finishing your IB exams you decide to be really wild and go for coffee. -You show school spirit at the pep assemblies. -You are usually dressed more formal than your teachers. -You FTP to your computer at home to retrieve your Extended Essay amd finish typing it at school before it's due. More importantly, you understand this process! -You crash your calculator. -

SO basically I love Emory. Lots.

What else? Oh. I forgot how much fun having crushes is; that is before they get all messy.
I'd like to forget about the messy part right now, thank you very much.

Allergies are going absolutely nuts.

Working till 10 two nights in a row with long ass days of school before is physically and emotionally taxing.

The sun still being out while I'm on my way from wind ensemble at 7:30 is a beautiful thing.

Spring.

Falling asleep in forensics and english is frustrating / guilt inducing.

I need sleep.

I was reminded of driving in the summer with my windows all the way open, blasting my feel good music, mainly Gavin Degraw at the time, to meet up with John.

I haven't listened to Gavin Degraw since the winter because it hurt and I didn't want to put myself in that state of mind anymore.

Now that it's spring and I can open up my windows again, I remember how much I love Gavin Degraw, how good it feels to listen to his music, as trite as it sounds, it's like my soul music. It also reminded me how accepting I have become of that cliche summer fling/romance. It was what it was. And now summer is fast approaching and I can't wait for something new.

So, sorry for the minor breakup Gavin. I'm coming back to you now and I'm all yours.

Why Rachel and I are friends. Very dear friends.:

Smrtgrl123 (11:22:00 AM): every time i've seen him we've gotten this effing close
the x queenmab (11:22:49 AM): dont just kiss him
the x queenmab (11:22:51 AM): fuck his brains out
Smrtgrl123 (11:22:55 AM): hahahaha
Smrtgrl123 (11:23:19 AM): vulnerable older criminal man seeks horny younger feisty virgin
the x queenmab (11:23:29 AM): the hormones rage
Smrtgrl123 (11:23:40 AM): they make the front page
the x queenmab (11:23:50 AM): virgin has a problem with rhyming
the x queenmab (11:23:57 AM): so they throw her in jail
the x queenmab (11:24:00 AM): ALAS
the x queenmab (11:24:07 AM): the very same cell as the criminal
Smrtgrl123 (11:24:14 AM): and the fucking ensues
Smrtgrl123 (11:24:21 AM): god
Smrtgrl123 (11:24:25 AM): we have dirty minds
the x queenmab (11:24:26 AM): and the porno begins

Note to self:

Although your paternal grandparents are flawed in more ways than not,
none of those flaws which you would like to think about right now,
you can't hate them for their (or maybe just your grandmother's) gifts,
like that ruby/diamond ring you got on your 16th birthday,
or on your 18th when you got that sapphire/diamond ring.


Just a thought.

( Sweet birthday present from Pops. )

Yesterday my mom and I went to see Avenue Q for my birthday. What an incredibly clever show. I love how simple, yet witty the songs are and how politically incorrect practically everything is. After, we spent a lot of time down in the village, which I fall in love with a little bit more each time I go. The colors of the buildings; pale yellow, creamsicle orange, baby pink; with the cherry trees umbrella-ed over them; and the playgrounds with young parents and their children playing together; and the storefronts with $100 vintage t-shirts in the window; all of it. It's such an idyllic setting. But, then again, as my mom puts it, "You could be standing in Harlem or the Bronx in the middle of a gun battle and love the city." I suppose it's true.

In other news; it's effing gorgeous out. I'm going to read Choke in my favorite lounge chair in my backyard.

Oh yeah, and...

I love Spring Break.

I don't know what it is
but you got to do it
I don't know where to go
But you got to be there
I don't know where to fall
But I know that its comfortable where
I don't know where it is

Putting all of my time
In learning to care
And a bucket of rhymes
I threw up somewhere
Want a locket of who
Made me lose my perfunctory view
Of all that is around
And of all that I do

So I knock on the door
Take a step that is new
Never been here before
Is there anyone else who's too
In love with beauty
Playing all of the games
And thinks three's company
Is there anyone else who wears slightly mysterious bruises
I don't know what it is

Sick of lookin around
At friendly faces
All declaring a war on far off places
Is there anyone else who is through with complaining about what's
Done unto us

Rufus Wainwright is a pretty phenom singer / lyricist.

It is surreal that I am eighteen. Really.

How can I possibly have lived on earth for a whole 18 years?

I feel like although it is such a milestone age, there is still SO much for me to learn, to experience. 18 is such a tiny number; a microcosm even, of the bigger world time clock, such that it is.

I've never looked forward to life anymore than I do now.

Nothing's perfect, and it never will be. Not even close. But lately I've learned how to grasp onto the mentality of 'life is way too short to be complaining...get up and be what you've always wanted to be...don't let your dreams be dreams.' It's already started working. I laugh a lot, I smile a lot, and I don't feel that emptiness that was a little too prevalent in my life a few years ago. Maybe I'm waxing poetic, but shit, in the grand scheme of things, is it going to hurt me to be a little corny when in the end my life will have more substance, more completeness?

Definitely not.

I love the possibilities of life and I hope being 18 treats me as well as being 17.
I have so much to be thankful for and I don't know exactly what or who to thank or why I'm thanking anything or anyone.
Regardless,
Thank you.

Sometimes outright lying is easier and much less complicated than telling the truth.

Sometimes you feel like the place where your friend is, is more like home than your actual house.

Sometimes you see, hear, feel things you never wish you saw, heard, or felt.

Sometimes all the strength in the world can't make you indifferent to the inevitable.

Sometimes you don't feel like your perception of yourself exists at all.

Sometimes you just need to stop thinking.

Sometimes.

I feel so very cliche admitting this but, I'm feeling a little lost.

And I feel guilty for feeling that way. And I know I shouldn't have a gauge of how I'm supposed to feel about how I'm feeling.

Maybe wind ensemble will cheer me up.

Quote of the day,
"Baby doll, life isn't the same when I don't get to see your face everyday! Let's make time for eachother!"
- My older sister/real estate agent/ bartending/ former paralegal/ party planning Stephanie