Life is all about balance.

Freshman year is almost 3/4 done, and it has flown by so far. I am happy. I have nearly everything I want. My best friends from home have to some extent stuck around, but I didn't expect more than that because that's how life goes. It's still nice to talk to people you're familiar with and who know your whole deal. Sometimes people here don't know where I'm coming from when I say things. Although, that's been decreasing as I get closer to them, and can reveal a little bit more about my crazy-ass self. It's the best feeling to walk around campus and see a million people you know. It makes you feel like you belong. Not that I've ever felt like an outcast but still, Emory's a pretty freaking happy place.

I've been thinking about things lately. And what's odd to me is that I don't really get angry anymore. Maybe disappointed, sad. I've spent too much time harping over things and holding grudges. It's not important. There are too many things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to meet. I need to let go of a lot. As I get more adjusted to life in the ATL, that's becoming much easier.
Who knows if I'll keep up with this new mentality of not living in the past, but I'm trying!

OH AND OMG 1!1!1!1!1!1! I AM GOING TO AFRICA. ! ! ! ! !

People expect too fucking much from me.

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I want to be home where I can drive anywhere I want, anytime I want. I want to curl up in my bed and cuddle with my cat. I want to make my mom cook for me. I want to spend days on end at my second family's house. I want Christmas with the Biello's. I want to take Maxy for walks. I want to explore my new town that I love. I want to make a latte. I want to drive into the city with my mom and waste hundreds of dollars. I want to hang out with all my Emory New Yorker friends who I've never seen outside of campus! I want to do lunch with Eric, Posh with Maria/Shahar, city with Kara, gay clubs with Joe etc. I want to drink with Stephanie. I want to flirt with Bobby. I want to see my favorite Long Islanders and catch up on the time that's passed. I want familiarity even though where I am has become more familiar than I expected it to be.

I need these last two finals to fly by. But first, I must study.

I love you Emory, but I love NY more!

I'll be home Wednesday.

EDIT: DID I MENTION it was 75 degrees out, sunny and without a cloud in the sky today in Hotlanta?! And it is supposed to stay that way for the next few days? DAMN STRAIGHT.

As I sit on an office chair in my roommate's guest room at 1 am on a Tuesday morning with the window open and this pleasant breeze coming through the screen, I can't help but feel completely at peace with myself. I have never had this. Utter wholeness. The only times I am sad are when I'm not completely immersed in my chaotic, wonderful life here, and those times have been far and few in between. My roommate, Katie, has become one of my closest friends. She's like, this breath of fresh air - the best way to start your new life in college is to meet someone who is basically your other half. And today as we were driving in her yellow Mustang convertible with the top down and laughing about all the crazy people we're friends with in school, we decided that we are way too lucky. We have an amazing school, academics, friends and especially each other. Cheesy, yes. We laughed at the absolute cliche-ness of it all and mock threw up for dramatic affect. It's more than that though. It's the marble buildings, it's the 75 degree weather in October, it's the culture of Atlanta, it's the feeling that you couldn't be spending your time any better than right here.

I don't know. What I do know is that I go back to school tomorrow, leaving Katie's hometown and midterm hell will ensue. Maybe this cheery mood of mine will subside then. Probably not though. I effing love my classes.

So long!

PS Rest in Peace 2006 Yankees.
PPS I miss my NY best friends. And NY. I need REAL PIZZA.

Funny how this thing used to be such a focal point in my life.

Funny how I'd nearly forgotten I had it until a few days ago.

In any case, I felt like maybe I'd try to keep up on this thing a tad bit more often.

College is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. All I wanted since I can remember was to escape the crap I'd been subjected to at home. All I wanted was that extra bit of independence that would give me the freedom of completely separating myself from everything in NY. Don't get me wrong. I miss NY so much sometimes that it hurts, and I am still having a love affair with the city, and I still miss my wonderful friends. But here I'm never alone in the way I was at home. I'm never so angry that I suck it in only to have it affect me physically a few months later. And there's so much more but let's keep this positive.

I am having the time of my life. Please let it continue.

I love how,
I wake up for work at 7:20 to get there by 8,
Work bar ALL day <3<3,
Get sent to the bank for a glorious 20 minutes to make a deposit and get change,
Work with Paulz for an equally glorious 4-ish hours,
Don't get home until 5,
And am so very excited to get ready to go to Paula's house tonight to watch a movie with her and Matt!

Oh, lifeeee <3

I want to forget that I'm in a horrible mood, (the worst one I've been in for months) watch the Yankees win and go to sleep and wake up tomorrow with a clear head.

That's all I want tonight.

Kissing is fatal. Really.

Why did I let myself get caught up in the illusion that maybe things would be different? Things are never different and I don't expect anything yet I expect everything and I know I don't show anything but at times like this I feel like I show everything. I didn't even know if it was a good thing I just knew it was new and exciting and I believed for a second that it might work out and maybe it will, who am I kidding it won't, but I don't want to be someone who never believes in anything but I'm scared to and I HATE being vague in this thing but fuck it.

In other news, it's been tough to grab hold of senior year, slow it down for even a second, which is something I NEVER in a million years thought I'd think/say/feel. A part of my life that was missing all year is showing signs of revival/return which is effing fabulous. I can't seem to find my care about any of the remaining IB tests, but I can easily find my mad regarding D'Orazi and her blatant hatred and general angst aimed at me. I get teary-eyed just thinking about my wind ensemble concert next week, which is really getting to me. I have been on that thing since freshman year. I am NOT ready to be done with wind ensemble. I better get started on writing my letter to Ms. H for the end of the year and I should most definitely start working with Rach to write our speech for the concert. I hope I don't start crying in the middle of it. Fuck.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this now but Crash was a gorgeous movie. Thanks to Cait I made a respectable effort to see it as soon as she told me it was one of the only movies that made her cry. It was so. good. If you haven't seen it get your ass off the computer chair and go rent it.

I reeeeeeally need the city. Like now. I need Perry Street or Wall Street or Park Ave or Hell's Kitchen or a view of the East River. I feel like they're the only things that can stop this weird "I don't know what's going on with myself but I totally do" phase.

School's a no-go tomorrow. Four more days of testing spread unfairly till the 23rd. Not that I plan on studying for any of said tests, but still.

*phone conversation*
Caitlin - "WHAT?"
Me - "CAITLIN. I JUST WATCHED THE EPISODE WHEN BRIAN AND JUSTIN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND BRIAN ENDS UP FUCKING THE CUCUMBER GUY AND THEN JUSTIN IS MAD AT HIM AND YOU CAN SEE AT THE DINER THE NEXT MORNING BRIAN MOVES HIS HEAD TO THE LEFT AS IF TO SAY 'FUCK' BECAUSE JUSTIN GIVES HIM THE COLD SHOULDER BUT HE DOESN'T SAY FUCK HE JUST CONVULSES HIS HEAD. HE LOVES HIM! HE REALLY LOVES HIM!"
Caitlin - "You have reached a new low. Calling me to tell me, not about something that was said, or an action, just a head movement."
Me - "BUT HE LOVES HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm disappointed you aren't more excited about this new revelation."
Caitlin - "Actually, if I'd seen that I would have called you too."

'God you we are so pathetic.' 

Anyway, this week went by slow and fast at the same time. AP Calc is in ... 5 days? WHAT?

For once, I finally feel a little more at ease with myself. A little more sure of what I'm doing. Not just knowing I'm sending myself off to college eventually and am studying something. I'm a little scared but what's fucking worth it if you aren't? 

I don't know what I'm saying. Come see me at senior show tonight...7:30. It'll be good times.

<333

PS My friends are pretty rad.